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How to Navigate a Break-Up or Betrayal

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Back when we launched Life Church in 2013, I gave a message that summer on navigating a break-up or betrayal. I recently stumbled upon my message notes from that Sunday and thought I’d share them here, for what it’s worth!

- Paul and Barnabus part ways in Acts 15:35-38.  If break-up and betrayal could happen to the Gospel All-Stars, it can and will happen to you and me!

 

- Followers of Jesus are not promised rainbows, skittles, and unicorns.  You WILL have troubles and heartaches!

 

- You can't please everyone but you can keep reconciliation as your goal.

 

Step One in a Betrayal or Break-Up: Your REACTION determines your REACH.

 

- Jesus gives very practical instructions in Matthew 18:15-17 on how to deal with people who have hurt you: go to the person quickly, privately, and humbly!

 

- Verse 17 does NOT advocate shunning.  Who Would Jesus Shun?

 

- "But they deserve to be shunned."  Really?  Even if everything you say about this person is true, are you treating them the way Jesus would treat them? If someone is acting like a pagan or tax collector, how would Jesus approach them...?

 

- Jesus always walked TOWARD people, not AWAY!

 

- If someone is taking shots at your children, I'm sorry, but that is demonic.  You are never more like Satan than when you accuse and you are never more like Jesus than when you advocate and forgive!

 

- Ephesians 4:26-27 tells us to deal with our issues TODAY.  Don't allow "little" beefs to get bottled up over time or you will explode like a volcano.

 

Step Two in a Betrayal or Break-Up: Nobody wins when you trash talk.

 

- Have a beef?  Don't blab it on Facebook... go to the person and get it resolved!

 

- If you are a man or woman of God, you do NOT have permission to accuse or slander.

 

- If you are a son or daughter of the Most High, honor and integrity are your shield.  Even if you are accused and innocent, it is not necessary to defend yourself in the public square (I am speaking from EXPERIENCE here!!).

 

- Ephesians 6:12 tells us that if they have flesh and blood, they are NOT our enemy!  The Enemy is the enemy!!

 

Step Three in a Betrayal or Break-Up:

Moving on doesn't mean you've stopped caring; it means you can't change it.

 - Always keep the Welcome Mat out for reconciliation but never for condemnation.

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Top 5 Leadership Lessons I Learned While On-Staff at NewSpring Church

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I love Perry Noble.  God has used him in my life as a friend, a coach, a cheerleader, and once as a boss.

You see, a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was on the Senior Management Team at NewSpring Church. 

I loved that team, I continue to have a strong loyalty toward Perry, and I learned a TON while serving on staff under him.

Recently I was reflecting on my time in Anderson, South Carolina and came up with the Top 5 lessons that stretched and shaped me as a leader:

 

5.  Work Hard Together, Play Hard Together - Church-work is passionate business - - we're a rescue organization with eternity on the line!  That's why it's important for team members to enjoy each other.  It's not about a job; it's about doing life together.  My fondest memories at NewSpring were the random silly moments in hallways and hanging out together at someone's house watching LOST.  

 

4.  Loyalty is Everything - Relationships are built on trust which is expressed through loyalty.  One thing I loved about that season at NewSpring was their strong sense of loyalty to one another.  Loyalty means I have your back no matter what - - if I see a truck coming your way, I give you a big heads up.  Loyalty produces staff confidence which in turn fuels bigger steps of faith together.  If loyalty is broken on a staff, I guarantee you that the team will whither and disband.

Case in point: the 1998 Chicago Bulls team.  They were championship-caliber with back-to-back threepeats in the NBA.  Sadly, upper-management (the two Jerry's) said some dumb things in the press and made some amateur moves.  This quickly broke the Bulls' (and public's) trust.  Within a year, their all-star team of players like Jordan, Pippen, Rodman had all disbanded.  Disloyalty hijacked the vision and broke the team apart.  It took Chicago over twelve years to recover from that fiasco.

3.  Boring Inspires No One - Life-change is stunted in a church if everyone's drowsy.  It's OK to be creative in presenting biblical truths (just like Jesus!).  God is creative, we are made in His image, so when we are creative, it's an act of worship!  It's hard to create momentum with boring.  As I've said before, Boring Preachers Can Actually KILL You!

2. Open-Handed with Other Leaders - Perry always encouraged us to be completely open-handed with other church leaders.  I love that!  There is NO competition/jealousy/insecurity between churches (and if there is in your church, its a reflection of your leadership's hearts, not God's heart!).  If we all love Jesus and serve the same King, can't we learn to like each other and share what the Spirit gives?  Whether it's sharing techniques or leadership tips or ideas, I still strive to do ministry transparently and in a posture of humility.


1.  Family First - Most important of all, Perry has always ingrained in me that I can always get another church, but I can never get another wife and kids!  When it comes to my schedule, my family will always win.  If they call my cell, wherever I am, even if it's a big meeting, I answer the phone.  My wife and kids need to know that they always, always come first. 

I love inspiring and pouring into church leaders!

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LEADING THROUGH CHANGE - WHEN STAFF MEMBERS AND CHURCH MEMBERS LEAVE

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WHEN STAFF MEMBERS AND CHURCH MEMBERS LEAVE

  1. STAFFING IS A KEY DECISION

  • 1 Timothy 5: “Do not lay hands on a man suddenly.” Any staff hire is a very important, sobering decision. Be slow to hire.

  • You want to hire someone who is focused on the TOWEL, not the TITLE. You are here to SERVE.


2. HAVE A PROCESS IN PLACE FOR EVALUATING STAFF AND KEY VOLUNTEERS

You are giving people significant responsibilities; have a system for evaluating:

  • Character — Not just about morality. Look at their work ethic, faithfulness, integrity.

  • Competency — Are they all hat, no cattle?

  • Culture — Do they fit well within your existing culture?

  • Chemistry — Likeability Factor. Do you enjoy being around this guy?

  • Calling — Look for the fingerprint of God on the hire of that person.

  • Capacity for Leadership — Can they grow with the role and the growth of the church? Can they reproduce themself and become a multiplier, not a maintainer?

3. UNDERSTAND + ACCEPT THAT SOME STAFF + CHURCH MEMBERS WILL HAVE TO TRANSITION

  • Understanding this will save you a lot of heartache.

  • Think of your church like a bus with stops along the way. What happens at a bus stop? Some people get on and some people get off.

  • There will be significant transition points as your church grows.

  • When this happens, remind yourself that this is just all part of the process of church planting.

  • Don’t lose perspective. Your “loss” may actually be a huge win!

  • Some folks need to get off the bus.

  • Why do people leave your church?

  • Sometimes staff will leave you because the responsibilities have grown beyond their capacity to grow with the role.

  • They may outgrow the responsibilities. Your job is to always make sure your staff are being challenged.

  • They may lack the character / competence / chemistry required to stick with it.

  • They may not want to do the spiritual and emotional work in order to grow.

  • Unexpected circumstances arise in life. Think seasons. Life happens in seasons.

4. REMEMBER THAT ALL STAFF AND MEMBERS NEED TO BE HELD LOOSELY.
Anything you hold tightly you suffocate.

5. PROMOTIONS TO KEY LEADERSHIP ROLES SHOULD BE CAREFULLY CONSIDERED THROUGH PRAYER.

  • Faithful in the little before being faithful with much.

  • Make sure they have been tested.

  • This doesn’t always work: people fool you. Potential staff will lie to you to get a job.

  • Be very careful in giving out titles… You can’t take it back.

  • It doesn’t feed your ego, it fits your function.


6. CELEBRATE THE STAYS AND POSITIVELY RELEASE THE GO'S.

  • For some churches the only time the Staff has a party is when someone leaves. When is the last time you had a party with the people who STAY?

  • Sometimes God calls you to go but often God calls you to STAY!

  • Sometimes someone goes and it’s a good thing. Sometimes someone goes and it’s painful. Sometimes people go when they shouldn’t and you can see the truck that’s about to hit them, but they won’t listen to you.


7. BE PREPARED FOR + POSITIVELY PROCESS THE EMOTIONS THAT WILL ACCOMPANY THE EXIT OF PEOPLE.

  • Loss leads to Grief, which can confuse people. Be prepared for the grief. You love the person, you’ve invested in them for years.

  • When you feel grief, don’t beat yourself up about it. Allow yourself to experience and feel.


8. GIVE CLEAR GUIDELINES TO DEPARTING STAFF ON YOUR EXPECTATIONS REGARDING COMMUNICATION.

  • Information Void can crank up a church gossip grapevine: “What’s happening behind the scenes?”

  • This happens when there is too much of time that passes between their decision and the communication.

  • It is foolish to allow departing staff to announce their departure.

  • Provide information to fill any potential void. SOMEBODY is going to tell ‘the story.’ You need to protect the health of your church as it continues moving forward.


9. EXPECT EMOTIONAL RESPONSES TO ANY STAFF MEMBER’S DEPARTURE.

  • Help them process, give them assurance.


10. LEARN LESSONS FROM DEPARTURES THAT CAN MAKE YOU AND YOUR ORGANIZATION BETTER.

  • How can we improve for next time?

  • What can I learn from this?

  • How can this make me better?

11. AVOID PROLONGED DEPARTURES.

  • When someone says they want to leave, let them.

  • Don’t drag it out or they will drag people down with them.

  • When they say they want to leave, their heart has already left.

  • Be generous in their transition.


12. BE APPROPRIATELY GENEROUS TOWARD DEPARTING PEOPLE WHO LEAVE WELL.

  • Err on the side of grace, not pettiness.

  • Oftentimes people who leave will talk badly about you behind your back. Be gracious.


13. EXPECT A HONEYMOON PERIOD ON SOCIAL MEDIA AT THE DEPARTING PERSON’S NEW PLACE.

  • “This new place is amazing!” Which means your place wasn’t.

  • At some point real life will kick in and they’ll stop.

  • Weather their honeymoon. You don’t need it in your spirit.

  • If it’s getting to you, delete the app.

  • Social media can feed a failure mentality.


14. DON’T GET DISCOURAGED.

  • Don’t Think You’re the Only Person This Happens To.

  • This is the secret: don’t get discouraged. Fight it.

  • People WILL leave your church.

  • Staff members WILL betray you.

  • Don’t give air to fear.

  • Pruning leads to better fruit and a better future.

  • Get up and keep going by faith.

  • Sometimes you have to wait 11 years to see someone who left in a bad way come back in repentance.

WISDOM FOR DEPARTING STAFF

  • If you’re leaving a church, get planted somewhere. Don’t wander.

  • When you get planted somewhere, be a son or daughter of that House.

  • Be an honorable, loyal, ethical, trusting Christian. Integrity matters. Honor your former pastor. Don’t go bush-league.

  • If you’re leaving a church, do not play the “God told me” game.

  • Don’t run from your issues! Your next church won’t change things. Geography doesn’t fix your problems.

  • Remember whose spiritual platform you have been using and you have been benefiting from. You were LOANED a platform. Never take the power and trust.

  • Never steal sheep.

  • Never steal staff. That is unethical behavior.

  • Fulfill your commitments. Don’t cut and run. That only hurts God’s people.

  • Leave your assigned area of responsibility stronger, not weaker.

  • Encourage commitment and faithfulness to the House that you’re leaving.

  • Watch your words, non-verbals and your actions on the way out… …because God is.

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You've Gotta FAIL If You Want To SUCCEED

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Did you know that the average small business owner fails 2.7 times before finally reaching success? That means they have to publicly fall flat on their faces and lose everything over two times before they learn all the secrets necessary for full-time success! The term “Overnight Success” is an oxymoron.

I believe the same is true in ministry: you’ve gotta FAIL if you want to SUCCEED!

In failure:

  • You learn how not to treat the people you lead

  • Discoveries are made in scheduling and planning for major events

  • Emotional IQ is enhanced and increased

  • Persistence is stirred up for later reliance

  • WHO you can trust and count on during tough times is revealed

  • Humility is accepted as the pathway to greatness.

Every crisis is an opportunity.

Dream Again.  Dream Bigger.  Dream Better.

The Dream is the Distance: Everything looks different from a distance.

Even though you see empty seats, there is an opportunity for growth.

Genesis 41 tells us the following:

  • The dark room is where he develops the negatives.

  • The more God uses you, the more He humbles you.

  • Purpose Over Position -- Believe this and you will never get offended!

  • No Mess, No Ministry

  • No Drama, No Dream

God did not say this would be easy; He said He would be with you.

If you are currently experiencing or feeling failure, GREAT! It’s a necessary prerequisite to achieving greater ground for Kingdom expansion! Keep your chin up, your head low, and your posture as a servant-leader. In Christ, the best is yet to come!

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2 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR CHURCH FEELS STUCK

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Churches get stuck all the time.
Too often we can find ourselves doing ministry out of memory.

For what it's worth, here are 2 Important Questions for Fearless Leaders to ask...

1) HAVE WE LOST OUR LOVE FOR LOST PEOPLE?

400 years ago Protestants fled England and came to the New World to set up churches... for themselves.  If your church is insider-focused, it's because of our Pilgrim heritage!

Ignite your passion for what ignites God's heart -- Remind your church that EVERY person matters!

If your church is reaching the lost, you WILL be a target from RELIGIOUS people!
Religious people were ALWAYS walking away and rejecting Jesus throughout His ministry.  If you are not receiving the same rejection as Jesus, then you may not be preaching the same gospel that Jesus preached!

Ask yourself: Am I a fisher of men or a keeper of an aquarium?

2) AM I LEADING WITH A RISING LEVEL OF HOPE?

Nothing great ever happens THROUGH YOU until it happens TO YOU!

Look at every great hero in the Scriptures:

  • Moses spent 40 years in the wilderness before ascending into leadership

  • David was living in a cave down by the river for a decade

  • Peter beat himself up after rejecting Jesus three times

God LOVES using BROKEN people to minister to BROKEN people!

The key is to not wallow in your brokenness.  Minister from the OVERFLOW of what the Lord is doing in your life and in your heart!  You cannot lead people to a place that you are not already at.

The most important thing I do as a leader: Making sure that I stay encouraged!
Ask yourself: 'What things CHARGE MY BATTERIES?'
If your internal batteries aren't charged up, you will fall into weariness.

DISCOURAGEMENT precedes DESTRUCTION:
The Enemy RUINS your FUTURE by first RUINING your DAY so that you will run toward destructive habits and choices!

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